Photo is from Tom's last Videos on his Boldrascal channel.

I could easily have been very happy with my life at this time, but that was very far from the case. It’s very hard to look back now and realize how disconnected Tom and I had become without my knowing it. All I knew was that he was ‘depressed.’ In Los Angeles, he’d finally given in fully to his cheating ways, which left him isolated and trapped in a marriage that no longer made him happy. Even though we got along fine and enjoyed doing many things together, he was always depressed and distant. He was the ultimate frenemy to me and to himself.

 Although he continued to be a concerned and somewhat involved father, he was indifferent to almost everything else in our life together. I was working a regular job, so I couldn’t tell how late he slept, but often I called home at one pm or later and no one answered the phone. Getting out of bed unless he had something to do was almost impossible for him. He didn’t want to face another unhappy day of his life. It really almost drove me crazy. And there was nothing I or anyone could do. He listened to no one, just smoked, drank, and tried to carry on.

 There was one very unusual and upsetting incident with Tom during this time. One night, he came home very late and very drunk, without letting me know where he was. That had never happened before. He drank, but never to the point of drunkenness, because he always maintained an iron control over his emotions, except on stage. And he never stayed out late, preferring to have dinner at home and sit in front of the TV all by himself after my son and I had gone to bed.

 But on this night, when he staggered into the apartment at four am, he'd completely lost control of his emotions and was in a mean and nasty mood. When I grilled him angrily about where he'd been and what was going on, he got ugly. In a rage, he accused me of ruining his life.

 Of all the things that he might have said in a drunken rage, this was a complete surprise. I ruined his life? What was he talking about? It was, once again, another charge against me that seemed to come out of the blue with no prelude, no particular event in our lives, and nothing to suggest there was a problem between us. And suddenly, I’d ruined his life?

 He just kept repeating that I had ruined his life, without saying why. I was furious that he could dare say or think such a thing after all I’d done for us. Finally, he fell asleep. The next day, he refused to explain, only saying that he'd been drunk and didn't mean it. I couldn't make any sense out of this.

 But Tom had passed the point of no return a long time ago. After many, many emotional scenes when I tried to break through to him, I finally gave up. I’d just leave him out in front of the TV watching some movie for the millionth time and go to bed. All I could do was suffer and cry alone, offering God my suffering as a gift, since I didn’t know what else to do.

 There was so much in life to enjoy. Our son was growing up. We had our evening chats. We’d visit the city for long walks and going to museums. But none of it seemed to touch him or bring him any happiness. Every time there was a full moon, he’d take me out on the porch and give me one of super special kisses. Then, every night he’d go back to the bottom of his deep, dark, lonely well of despair.

Our life bumped along. Sure, we'd managed to do very little more than survive, but in my opinion, we had so much to be grateful for. Tom had a decent pension and good health care benefits. Once we left the New York area, our living expenses would go down, and our living standard would go up. We would be okay. He'd always wanted to open a little antique store. We could do lots of things, once we retired. 

We survived the teen years and a couple of years of community college with the progeny. Tom was still doing a show or two a year for Law and Order: SVU. The executive consulting firm I worked for was a casualty of the latest recession, so I was between jobs. At last, I began to figure out the internet and decided to put Tom up on Youtube. He was such a natural raconteur that he was sure to be a star. Maybe if we could just access this new digital world, he would finally be a breakout star and be happy at last. (They are up on Youtube as Boldrascal)

Tom really enjoyed making those videos. For a few short months, we worked happily together, like we had when we’d first met. Back then, when I’d talked Tom into doing a new acting headshot in my little garden behind my basement brownstone apartment, he’d respected and believed in me. We’d been in love. We actually got going on making Youtube history with our Tom videos, but after only a few, he got sick.

For over thirty-five years, I had never been privy to Tom’s secret life or his secret self. It took a lot of psychic work to open my mind so he could confess the truth and help me to “face it.”