The completion and publishing of this story finally brings me out of my dark night of the soul. Tom’s haunting cry for help from beyond the grave is answered. I have helped him clear his conscience and hopefully rest in peace. I also feel at peace at last, and that I have accomplished what I was meant to in this life.

For a long time after Tom had passed away, I experienced a dark night of the soul, unable to find any reason for why I had been born or went on living. But out of that dark night, God was leading me to a deeper knowledge and understanding of love and truth.

I was encouraged to write BEDEVILED by Pam Coronado’s prediction that it would come out of the blue and be a bestseller. Otherwise, I would never have stuck with a task that seemed so futile. Just another book by a nobody that nobody read. Pointless.

But, hoping for the best, I struggled away at writing and trying to understand why Tom had done what he did. That was important to me on a personal level. However, when I learned that Tom had been a victim of sexual abuse, that stopped me cold in my tracks for two years. The shame of any form of incest is withering. What could possibly be the value of writing about it or making it public? There were certainly many compelling reasons not to; why put myself and my family through such a damning confession?

I told the true story confidentially to a friend who asked me why I felt the need to publish it. I really wasn’t sure why I was so determined to publish it, especially now that I knew the sordid truth. So, I found another excuse to put it off.

Writing Tom’s story had certainly been helpful to my own understanding of him and our marriage. Shouldn’t that be enough? Why was I told it would come out of the blue and be a bestseller? Was it just my vanity urging me forward now? Perhaps; but if something is a bestseller, it’s because people are interested and hungry to learn what the story is telling them. Was that why Tom kept saying “Face it. Don’t hide anything.”

Then watching Marilyn Van Derbur Atler’s video convinced me that for the sake of others who have experienced this kind of violation, Tom’s story must be told. He couldn’t heal in this world, but maybe others can when they see that others have “faced it.”

The thought that brought great peace of mind to me and finally convinced me to go ahead was that this story of my husband’s life might be the opening of a conversation about sexual abuse of children and how destructive it can be. If BEDEVILED started a conversation on the topic of mental illness, it might help others overcome the shame and guilt and “face it and not hide anything.”

It seems particularly important to tell Tom’s story. Everyone can see him throughout his life on TV and in the movies. He was a charming, intelligent, sensitive, and hard-working man. He was brave and physically courageous, having been a paratrooper and in the Military Police in the Army. His family loved him; he had friends and coworkers who admired and respected him. How could childhood sexual abuse destroy such a competent, likable man? The tragic truth that I can bear personal witness to is that even his successful life could not counteract the overwhelming mental consequences of his childhood trauma. He was never happy. In the end, mental illness killed him. Tom’s soul was cleaved into two warring halves by his traumatic life. Now I hope he can rest in peace. His story has been told.