Having confirmed beyond a doubt by looking at my married life that Tom was constantly unfaithful and in pursuit of other women telling himself he was seeking success, I can move on to a fuller understanding of why and what was going on in his mind and emotions.

To understand the emotions driving Tom, I now have to truly “face it.” And what I have to face is the word incest, the “i” word. I was told about the incest several years ago. It has taken me that long to resolve my own feelings toward admitting it, even to myself. It seemed irredeemably disgraceful and shameful for Tom’s memory and for his family. It is the last taboo. But this is not about me; it's about Tom and a soul in torment.

As I was recently editing this for my blog, I happened to watch another Marilyn Van Derbur Atler video. (https://youtu.be/dDrUG0FqBmU?si=JGsEZN4nsLZ1M3sh ) I had listened to her in the past, but then I’d only believed that Tom’s mother had probably behaved inappropriately. Now, having been told the truth that there was actual incest, Marilyn Van Derbur’s testimony about her experiences and feelings explained so many of Tom’s puzzling behaviors and ideas.

 She also steeled my resolve to tell the complete story because it may help other victims of incest to face it, too, and to do the work to heal, which involves understanding the personal and emotional problems that incest victims must face and overcome.

 I don’t believe that Tom ever connected his depression and emotional wanderings with having been a victim of incest. He never spoke much about his mother. His youngest brother once told me he couldn’t understand or forgive Tom for not coming home from Germany for their mother’s funeral. Now, I know why; there was no love lost for his abuser.

 I didn’t understand very much about being an incest victim until I listened to Marilyn Van Derbur Atler’s video. All I knew was that the shame was most crushing shame I’d ever felt, for myself and for Tom.

Now having listened to her story, I understand some of the reasons why Tom did the things he did. And why he could never face it in this life. Everything she says in the video opened my eyes to the confused emotions driving Tom. She says incest victims are terrified of losing control because as children their bodies were controlled by their abusive parent. Their bodies betrayed them by having a sexual response. A victim’s mind is forced to leave their body during the act of incest. Of course, this explains Tom’s inability to orgasm on our first sexual encounter. He was terrified of losing control of his body.

Fear of losing control is also why Tom could never relax, never give in to his emotions, and always maintained an iron grip on his feelings, in every situation, even with me.

Van Derbur says she had a daytime child and a nighttime child. One of her strongest emotions was wanting the nighttime child to die, just die, probably of shame. In his emotionally distorted subconscious, it seems to me that Tom also wanted the nighttime child to die. That is probably why he smoked and drank himself to death. He was killing the nighttime child.

Incest is very isolating for the child victim. How does a child know that this is not what all parents do? Who can they go to for help? Tom must have always felt isolated from his family and friends due to his shameful secret. He always avoided his family because he said they had no shared happy memories. Perhaps that’s why finding the Blue Flame restaurant was so important. It was a happy memory of his family, before it all fell apart.

 Marilyn Van Derbur Atler experienced a long bout of physical paralysis with no physical cause; finally she was sent to a psychiatrist, who saw her every day for several years to heal and free her body from the pain. Tom’s depressions were his form of emotional paralysis. He would go to the bottom of his cold, dark well, where he felt nothing and just turned off to everyone around him.

 And what ultimately struck me the most was her response to people who tried to make light of her ongoing emotional problems. People would tell her to “let go of the past,” “Can’t you let it go?” “It’s not that big a deal.” In her long journey, after her abuse became public, she helped many other victims. These victims’ tragic experiences led to her conclusion that “the long-term effects are incomprehensible.”

My eyes are open now. I would have to agree wholeheartedly. Yes, they are incomprehensible. The long-term effects are even carried beyond the grave. Tom could not rest in peace until he could speak his truth. He is using me as his voice. That’s the other thing an incest victim is denied: a voice. They cannot say no to their abuser or tell anyone of their pain.

This is Tom’s story, a story of one man’s life ruined and cut short, a story of a failed marriage, a story of a phantom father, and of the unquiet soul of man who could not rest until he regained his voice and told his truth. Yes, the long-term effects are incomprehensible.